Question Yourself

What are your own attitudes toward sex, and what do you really know? Figure out how you feel first, even before you talk to your partner. As a guide, run through the following questions and write down your responses:

• What do you know about sexually transmitted infections (STIs)?
• What do you know about pregnancy?
• Do you know how to lower the chance of pregnancy and STIs?
• Can you and your partner talk openly about sex and the prevention of pregnancy, STIs and HIV?
• How does having sex fit in with your personal values?
• How does sex fit in with the values of your culture, family and religion?
• Do you trust and respect your partner?
• Does your partner trust and respect you?
• Do you or your partner feel pressured about sex?
• What will you and your partner do if sex results in pregnancy or disease?

If you don’t know much about the answers to these questions, you aren’t ready.

Talk with Your Partner

Once you know your own mind, you need to be able to discuss sex — and whether or not to have it — openly and confidently with your partner.

Both of you must feel this is the right time to introduce sex into your relationship and reach that decision without any pressure. You must be able to agree on issues such as birth control and STI prevention.

Talk with your partner about the following areas:

• Do we both want to have sex?
• What kind of sex do we want to have? (oral, digital/finger, penis/vagina, etc.)
• Do we both feel ready and prepared to have sex?
• How will having sex affect our relationship?
• How will having sex affect our values?
• Does either of us feel any pressure or concerns about sex?

Sexual History

Talking about sexual history is difficult for many people — but it’s very important. You and your partner need trust each other in order to be honest about sexual history.

Be open and truthful with your partner, and express your need for the same. Be supportive if your partner has had an STI and take the time to better understand their situation.

Sample questions:

• Has either of us had previous partners? If so, was protection from STIs used?
• If either of us has had sex, have we been tested for STIs? If so, when? HIV may take up to six months to show up in a blood sample Genital warts may take up to eight months to be detectable.
• Has either of us had a STI? If so, which one and what was the treatment?

Possible Consequences

Only abstinence is 100 percent effective in preventing pregnancy and STIs.

You and your partner need to discuss what you will do in case of pregnancy or STI transmission. You also need to discuss how having sex will affect your relationship.

Sample questions:

• What if pregnancy happens?
• What if either of us gets an STI?
• What if we break up?

Expectations

What do you hope for during and after sex? You or your partner may have opposite wishes for the first time — from just getting it over with to making love. Make sure you're on the same page.

Also discuss what you expect afterwards: Do you want to be held? Do you want sex to continue in your relationship? Do you want an exclusive relationship?

Sample questions:

• Do we expect to continue having sex with each other?
• What do you want sex to be like?
• Do we want to have sex exclusively with each other (be monogamous)?
• What if one of us has sex with another person?
• Does either of us expect marriage or a lifetime commitment?
• Are one or both of us in love?

Protection

There are many ways to reduce the risk of pregnancy and STIs. Finding the method that fits you best is like finding a good pair of jeans.

Some people prefer condoms (the best protection for penis-to-anus or penis-to-vagina protection), while others prefer other protection methods. Talk with your partner about your choices.

Oral Sex

Many people overlook the fact that you can get a STI from oral sex. Don’t forget to talk with your partner about having safer oral sex.

Sample questions:

• Is there a birth control or STI protection method that you prefer?
• How do you feel about using condoms?
• How important to you is STI protection?
• How important to you is pregnancy protection?
• Do you know how to use the method you plan to use?
• Can you show or explain to me how it works?
• Who will pay for the birth control or STI prevention method?
• Will we help each other use the method?

The Right to Stop During Sex

It's not uncommon for one partner to want to stop having sex during the first time – perhaps from pain, nerves or insecurity. If you or your partner needs to stop, you have the right to do so even if you're in the middle of having sex.

You both need to be prepared ahead of time. Discuss it, and discuss not blaming each other or feeling guilty if one of you wants to stop. Watch for your partner’s body language during sex. If your partner looks uncomfortable, ask about it.

Sample questions:

• How will you feel if you need to stop during sex?
• Would you be open to discussing what happened?

Talk with Someone You Trust

The decision over whether or not to have sex is ultimately up to you and your partner. However, it’s a big decision — so it’s helpful to seek out the advice of others.

Talking with someone is also important if you've had sex already but are experiencing problems. Talking about this subject may be uncomfortable, but having someone available who can answer your specific questions and who understands you can be a tremendous help.

Here are a few sources you might want to ask:

• Parents or guardians
• Older sister(s) or brother(s)
• Older friends
• Priest, rabbi or pastor
• Close relative or neighbor
• Doctor

Last Reviewed: October 2019