What Do You Need in Order to Have Ethical Sex?

• You need to know and be comfortable with your own body. This helps you to determine what you're comfortable consenting to and gives you an understanding of what you might like from your partner.
• You need to be comfortable with your own sexuality and be able to experience sexual pleasure without guilt or shame. If you're ashamed of being sexual, you might not plan ahead for sex or might be less respectful of your partner's feelings and sexuality. This works against having both protected and respectful sex.
• You need to speak up about your sexuality. If you aren't able to be assertive about what you'd like to do and what you wouldn't like to do, it's harder to have truly consensual sex.
• You need to have respect for others' values. Your partner may not share the same values or beliefs about sex as you do and may be more or less comfortable with different ways of expressing sexuality. To have respectful sex, you need to respect those values.
• You need to understand your own needs and your partner's needs. Understanding your own needs helps you express them to your partner, which enables respect. Understanding your partner's needs allows you to respect those needs in turn. 
• You need to understand what you're looking for in a sexual experience. Are you having sex because you care about the other person, because you want sexual pleasure, because you want the other person to care about you, or for other reasons? Part of respectful sex is respecting yourself by acknowledging what you want and honestly evaluating whether sex is the best method to obtain it. Depending on your goal, you might also need to think about whether acting on that goal through sex is respectful to your partner.
• You need to be able to communicate with a sexual partner in sexual terms. If you aren't comfortable talking to your partner about protection and other aspects of sexuality, it's harder for the sex to be well protected and to be respectful.
• You need to be able to express your sexuality without exploiting or being violent towards others. If you aren't able to listen to your partner and respect what they're comfortable with, then you can't have consensual or respectful sex.
• You need to be able to protect yourself and your partner from sexually transmitted infections (STIs). If you don't have  knowledge about STIs and ways to protect yourself from STIs (such as condoms or dental dams), you can't have protected sex.

For More Information

To learn how to make sure any sex you have is consensual sex, read Understanding Consent and Consensual Sex. 

For more information about respectful sex, read Sexual Rights.

 To learn more about protected sex, read Protecting Yourself and explore birth control methods.

Last reviewed: September 2019