From ages 11 to 14, your preteen will experience rapid physical, mental and emotional changes. This timeframe is frequently considered the most difficult part of adolescence.

Quick Facts

• Hormones cause the physical changes that take place during puberty.
• A girl will usually get her first period around the same age that her mother did.
• Because teens want to fit in, most choose friends whose interests, activities and values are similar to their own.
• Thoughtful use of social media may help teens improve communication skills through writing, reading and involvement with causes. In-person interactions provide opportunities for developing and identifying emotional cues. 

Physical Changes (Puberty)

For girls, puberty begins around age 10 or 11 and ends around age 16. Boys enter puberty later than girls – usually around age 12 – and it lasts until around age 16 or 17.

Girls and boys usually begin puberty around the same time their mothers and fathers did. Talk with your child about the following physical changes that will happen during puberty. The changes are listed in the order in which they generally occur.

Girls

1. Body fat increases.
2. Breasts begin to enlarge.
3. Pubic hair grows.
4. Height and weight increase.
5. First menstrual period occurs.
6. Hips widen.
7. Underarm hair grows.
8. Skin and hair become more oily.
9. Pimples may appear.

Boys

1. Scrotum becomes darker.
2. Testicles grow larger.
3. Penis grows longer and fuller.
4. Pubic hair grows.
5. Breasts can get "lumps" and become tender.
6. Height and weight increase.
7. Muscles develop.
8. Wet dreams occur.
9. Voice cracks and gets deeper.
10. Skin and hair become more oily.
11. Pimples may appear.
12. Underarm and facial hair grow.

Intellectual Development

• Most 11- to 14-year-olds are still concrete thinkers – they perceive things as good or bad, right or wrong. This is normal. They are just beginning to imagine possibilities, recognize consequences of their actions, and anticipate what others are thinking.
• Youth begin to question family and school rules and challenge their parents.
• Preteens and teens tend to believe that bad things won't happen to them. This helps explain why they are risk-takers. For example, a young girl may believe she can vape without becoming addicted.
• Preteens and teens believe they are the center of attention. This explains why they are painfully self-conscious – a tiny pimple may seem like the end of the world.

Social and Emotional Development

• Preteens and teens begin to spend more time with peers and less time with family.
• Preteens and teens begin to form their identity by exploring different clothes, hairstyles, friends, music, and hobbies.
• Moodiness is common as youth struggle to search for an identity.
• Preteens and teens test or push limits to assert their independence.
• Preteens and teens have mixed feelings about "breaking away" from parents. One day your daughter may want nothing to do with you, the next she is constantly at your side.
• Troubled youth may act out (for example, get into physical fights, use alcohol or other drugs, skip school, etc.) to express emotional pain.

Tips for Parents

1. Preteens and teens are sometimes embarrassed by their changing bodies and concerned that they are not developing at the same rate as their friends. Reassure your child that young people grow and develop at their own pace and that the changes are normal.
2. Do not tease your child about pubertal changes.
3. Explain the importance of good personal hygiene. Active sweat glands call for regular bathing and deodorant. For healthy teeth, everyone should brush twice a day with a fluoride toothpaste and floss daily.
4. Set reasonable and appropriate limits. Preteens and teens want guidance.
5. When differences arise, listen to your child and try to understand theirr point of view.
6. Choose your battles! Hold your ground on important issues such as grades and drugs, and let go of smaller issues such as hairstyles and clothes. If it won't matter a year from now, is it worth arguing over?
7. Allow your preteen or teen to make more decisions as they prove the ability to use good judgment.
8. If your child is acting out, have a conversation to get to the heart of the problem.
9. Get counseling for your child or the whole family if you believe it could help.
10. Talk with other parents about your concerns, their parenting experiences, setting limits, etc.

Reviewed by: Elizabeth W. Lee, M.D.

Last reviewed: August 2019