Say Yes to Help

Caregivers often have a hard time saying “yes” when people offer to help. Realize that accepting such offers is a gift to yourself and to the other person—he or she will feel good about doing something nice, and you’ll get some much-needed help or time off. After you make a caregiver calendar (learn how in this article), make a list of tasks and let people choose what they would like to do.

Learn to Say No

Many caregivers need to practice being more assertive, Huang says. For example, maybe a relative who is scheduled to cover for you keeps calling to cancel at the last minute. “You need to tell that person, ‘We have the same goal—keeping dad at home. So when you can’t cover, you have to find your own coverage,’” Huang suggests.

At other times, you may have to say “no” to requests from your loved one or to other family members. If you feel overwhelmed or depleted, be clear about the responsibilities you can no longer shoulder. In this situation, it helps to use “I” statements, rather than blaming others.

Deal Constructively with “Armchair Quarterbacks”

If you are the primary caregiver, you probably deal with relatives uninvolved in your loved one’s daily care who swoop in with advice and criticism. This frustrating situation also presents opportunities.

Remember that these people want to help. Acknowledge their feelings, which may include concern, guilt and helplessness. Then find them a job. Even small tasks like picking up groceries, sorting the mail or reading to mom can benefit everyone.

If you and a family member disagree about the amount or type of care your loved one needs, share concrete details about the situation, Huang advises. For example, if you think your mom needs round-the-clock care, but your sibling who visits only occasionally doesn’t see how much she has declined, you can say, “Mom needs 24/7 care because she fell three times last week at night.”

Teach Others How to Provide Care

Family members who are less familiar with your loved one’s condition may shy away from helping because they feel uncertain about how to provide care. For example, you might need to give your brother tips for talking with your dad who has dementia or ideas for activities they can do together. “We don’t want to make the assumption they don’t care,” Huang says. “Invest some time to educate other family member so they feel comfortable.”